If you plan a remodeling project are you jeopardizing your marriage?
Below are some comments by Alan, and a few of his colleagues, taken from a list serve discussion:
got a call from a client I worked close to ten years ago–an addition and extensive remodel. it was a challenging project, with serious limitations on what could be added, and how existing space could be adapted to new uses.
what’s more is that the husband and wife each had different sensibilities, tastes, desires, and so on. During the design meetings, I felt like Paul from “In Treatment.” Somehow I came up with a program and design that they both were happy with and could afford.
the long and short of it is that the guy calls to see if he could turn the basement into a rental unit.
you guessed it–the couple had broken up after 20 some years of marriage and he needed the revenue to be able to keep the house.
I went over there to scope out his proposal–but mostly just to look at how the original project had worked out. Usually, when I return to a home like that all the flaws and missed opportunities come flying out and smack me in the face, but I must say, for its scope, this was one of the better jobs I have ever done.
But it got me thinking about several other complex projects I had done over the past decade or so–and how many marriages went bust after the work was completed. All projects I was pleased with, too.
Trying to make sense out of this, I reviewed a summary list of clients, and as far as I know, the majority of couples I’ve worked for are still together–probably at a better rate than the national average for marriages. Still, I wonder to what extent the couples that split were affected by the projects.
No question about it–the process cannot be more stressful. One of these took close to two years to design; they all took 6-9 months to build. But I think there is more to it than just the process itself.
I’m sure everyone has some sort of similar tale to tell. I’m half seriously thinking about making clients sign a waiver, to hold me harmless in the event of a domestic rupture. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a questionnaire to give prospects, to identify a tendency to divorce?
So I thought I’d throw all this out there, to see if any others have any insights into the subject…
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Many years ago a couple was referred to me by a builder I’d worked with before. His father, also a builder, had known the couple for some time and he would be their builder. This couple had hired an architect to design their home and were displeased both with the design and the projected construction costs. Apparently the architect wasn’t really listening, or if he was, he disregarded what they told him. I met with them for my usual thorough (and lengthy) programming session. Most of the time, I come away from that meeting with a very good idea what the clients want and where they are going. Not this time. The wife had a good number of very specific requirements and seemed to know just what she wanted. The husband was not at all enthusiastic and seemed to oppose everything she wanted to do. I wondered if he was even on board with the very idea of them having a home designed and built. I called my builder friend’s father and told him what had transpired in the meeting and expressed my dismay at not being able to get a read on them. Was I heading into trouble working with them? He laughed and said that was just their dynamic. She was forceful and did know exactly what she wanted, he like to complain. So the project went forward. He complained through the entire design and construction process and was happy as a clam. He loved the house when it was done. Go figure.
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If there were any clients that I would bet were headed for a split at least partly due to their house project it would be this one particular couple. I never met her. Bad sign to begin with. He was an engineer. He knew down to the fraction of an inch how he wanted some of the detailing done. He’d done the space planning and structural design and basically wanted a drafter. The house was ugly as sh**. The kitchen was horrible – another very bad sign. There was no front entry as such, it was off on the side with no focal point - it looked like anybody else’s ‘back door’. I was astounded it even passed the ARC. He would accept no input from me as a designer. It seemed obvious that this guy completely dominated the marriage and either she was so lacking in strength or self-respect or whatever that she would put up with it, even to the point of having no input into her own home, or their marriage was already in trouble and this might be the deal breaker. I hate to say it, but I hope it was the latter. I can’t imagine putting up with this a**hole.
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Goodness. If I have to hang out a shingle and be a psychologist to the homeowner or builder too, my rates are going UP. Recession or not.
Seriously. I don’t think we can be held responsible for the state of a relationship that choses to go through the building process. I’ve met clients like [she] describes and I doubt it was the house that laid the foundation for the dissolution of the marriage. But based on the description of his demeanor, I would be proud to say that I had a hand in pushing it over the edge.
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Over the years I’ve had several clients build a house to save their marriage (kind of like having kids).
It doesn’t work. Never been threatened with any kind of legal action
